Nightmares, My Past, and Moving On.

Eyes burst open, hearts pounding, and your out of breath. You keep telling your self it was just a nightmare, its just a nightmare, but it's not just a nightmare because it has actually happened in your past.


Zolie My Dog, R.I.P You will always be in my heart Zolie.
The dog that followed me when I ran away.

I have horrible nightmares of my past with my mom. When my mom lost her job at AT&T she started getting depressed but looking for another job. During this time she would get really drunk and become a monster. She was a total different person than her normally mom self. I was in the 7th-9th grade. This is one of the most horrible parts of my past. My mom would try to attack me when she was drunk. I remember the first time I fought back. She came in my room screaming something I couldn't understand, she wanted me to do something, but I didn't know what she wanted me to do. So as I normally did I ignored her drunk self. She grabbed my legs and jerked me forward to try to hit me, and I got scared and kicked her in the face. She hit the wall and fell down. I watched her, and she started screaming furiously again and started to get up. I was scared, and I just ran. Hurried up and put my tenny shoes on and just sprinted out of the house and away from her. I ran till I knew she wasn't following me. when I looked back my favorite dog Zolie was following me. I went to her and hugged her knowing at least someone loves me. After that me and Zolie walk aimlessly for hours; just going anywhere and everywhere away from that house. I finally decided to call my older sister, because even though she left me alone in that house to defend for my self I know she still cared for me, and she never meant to abandon me; she just had to get out of that hell hole also. But at the time it did feel like she had abandoned me when she left to live with her boyfriend. When Misty brought me home my mom started to say I'm sorry, and I reminded myself how ugly she was. Attacking me then trying to buy me with presents and fake love.
There where many more attacks like these, countless attack from my mom when she was drunk. I still have nightmares of most of them.
I remember I use to tell my dad, and he never believed me, because he would go ask her and she said I was making up lies. In the end, it hurt me because I felt like I couldn't trust my own dad either.
On mothers day in 8th grade, I did everything I could to make my mom happy. I made her a huge card, and we went out to eat and to the mall. We had a great day, but we came home. My parents started fighting and I did as I normally did during their fights... hide in my room. Later that night my mom came into my room and told me she had the worst day, and I was a horrible daughter. This has scared me for life... I still see this almost every time I close my eyes. Well, I didn't feel the need to live anymore and I took all the pills I could. I started breathing really heavily, and my vision was blurry... I got really scared, and called my sister. My sister ended up telling my parents... the last memory I have really is my parents screaming at me and my mom driving me to the ER with lights everywhere.
When I woke up my mom was sitting by my hospital bed and I asked her if she was mad at me, and she said she was disappointed in me. This is the absolute worst thing you can tell a depressed child like I was.
What no one else really knows is that after that I also tried suicide 2 more times, but obviously it didn't work. I tried cutting my self and jumping off my house, and some other things. I know they were stupid ideas.

After everything I begged my Grandpa and Uncles to take me in at their house because I was miserable there. They took me in and I am still grateful to this day, cause I truly believed I would of succeeded with killing myself if I stayed.

My 7 year old spunky beautiful little sister

In the end, my mom texted me and asked me if I moved out because of her, and I said yes. After that, my mom ran away to Louisiana with my baby sister. The only good thing about my mom was her bringing Haylee my 7 year old beautiful, spunky, sister to the world. We were all worried about her that time. After we got Haylee back, my mom and dad got an official divorce, and My older sister and I fought for my dad to have custody over Haylee. I think I caused this, and I am regret for that, but I am glad they got a divorce for my little sister. Because she can live in a happier house with no fighting parents.

However, getting out of the hell house wasn't the end. I suffered from anger issues. I just get so mad at everyone sometimes that I can't control it. I think I have anger issues because of the horrors I've been through in my past. It was worst first getting out of the house, but I now I have a more firm hand on them. I remember the first step to trying to help my self be happy and not mad; was when my older sister told me I had anger issues and that I needed to see a therapist about it, and then I asked my cousin who said yes, sometimes I do. After that I tried just being happy and loving life and thinking positive thoughts. I have realized the moments I build up to anger and when I realize them I just try to breath. Sometimes if that doesn't work I go running, because it always cools me down and exhausts me. This has helped a little, but I am never cured from getting angry. Getting angry scares me, because I don't want to be angry and say what I think at the moment but a lot of times I can't control it. It scares me because its like my mom, and I am terrified of being like my mom. If someone says "your like your mom" that's the worst insult ever to me. However, how happy I try to be I am never fully cured of my past.
I still wake up from realistic nightmares. But I try to move on the best I can. Its hard when you see your past almost every night. I try to make it look like they don't bother me, and I never really told anyone about the horrific events.

In the end, I have forgiven my sister for "abandoning me" and my dad for not trusting me. However, I don't fully forgive my mom... She has scared me for life and hurt me physically and mentally... and I will never forget. I go visit her sometimes because my little sister visits her, and I want to make sure Haylee is safe. My mom stopped drinking which I find great.  My mom tries to buy me gifts and buy my love back, but that's not how it works. I don't think I will ever fully forgive my mom, but I do care for her well being some what, because she is my mom and she is trying to be better. I just hope she learns from her mistake with Me and Misty, because she will not get another chance. One hurtful act towards my little sister who might be the only person who fully loves her and I will make sure she never sees her again. Because I will not have my little sister going through the same thing I went though. My older sister Misty never got hurt physically like I did, but my mom screwed up her credit when she turned 18 by putting things in her name and putting her in debt.

Now, I am happy as I can be, and when I look back at the sad suicidal girl I use to be I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I recently read a book called "Elephant Girl" by Jane devin that made me realize my life wasen't so bad, and their are people that have worst lives. It also made me believe I can move on from my past. This book is a true story about a girl struggling in her life. This book has helped me move on, and start this blog, I would recomend anyone that Is struggling to read it, because it is truely inspiring.